25 June 2021

 

     I have been in prison for over twenty-two years now.  As an artist the access to art supplies had continued to dry up, and with vendor access changes on the way, it is about to get far worse.

     I have found many guys not create stuff claiming it is because of this lack of access.  Personally, I do not think they were that serious to begin with.  I take these limits, while admittedly frustrating, and try to find ways around them.

    In Hockney's book he writes, "Limitations in art have never been a hindrance.  I think they are a stimulant.  How do I get around them?"

     I have never been a fan of his work, but I love his curiosity, and his sense of place in the art history continuum.  Although I do like this work of his Tennis reproduced in his book.

     This very well be the first Hockney piece I even found remotely appealing.

     He does go in on using quality paints will allow pieces to stand the test of time.  Something I did, and harked on Kelly Bodoh about, until the Department of Corrections cut off that access.  Now, what little access we have, is to student grade materials.  Absolutely disgusting.

     I have Public Image Limited's Disappointed, and The Fixx's Stand or Fall stuck in my head as earworms.  I am surprised how much I still enjoy that early new wave music about forty years after the fact.

     I saw Dr. Pophali today.  We are starting me on a non-FDA approved drug, pirtobrutinib, tomorrow.  We had to go through waivers to get me on this drug. 

     It is a third generation drug -- I was on a second generation of this drug with a two month response --- that has not been tested for efficacy.  It was just to see if it is dangerous.  The sample size was thirty-eight patients. 

    Small sample sizes mean results can be very, and I mean very, misleading.

    If I get similar response to what I had with zanubrutinib, I could enter December feeling good.  If I do not get a response I suspect I will likely be pretty sick before Labor Day.

     I saw my PET scan from thirty days out of the CAR T-cell therapy.  I have a tumor in my sinus cavity, that left me absolutely debilitated in January,  just really grossly big.  I know what is coming again, and it is not pretty.

     The neck is loaded with tumors.  I saw the one which left my right arm all but useless.  I have a matching tumor on the other side, albeit much smaller, ready to do the same to my left arm.

     I have tumors in my abdomen and pelvis, but much less activity.

     Dr. Pophali, who was smiling and laughing again, noted the lower body tumors shrunk, while the upper grew.  If I had my choice I would flip it, but with cancer there are no choices.  Besides to treat or not treat.

     I was pleasantly surprised because I never expected to get the waiver to get this drug.  And in all honesty, I expected to be dead in April or May.  I am doing great as a dead man. 

     The reason why I did not see Dr. Pophali in the original seven to ten day window is this treatment was not granted approval until Monday the twenty-first.  My apologies.

     One of the officers mentioned how people were upset that they were getting my meal trays and helping me clean my cell, while I still go to running.  That is what caused all the stress with me being told I could not get help with stuff on the unit.  Like the officer said, it has been your arm that is the problem, not the legs.

     If guys do not want to do the jobs, they should not take them.  Then to talk behind my back is spineless.  With that said the shoulder is improving.  I just lifted my dictionary, something I could not to before.  Another hill climbed.  Although that really tired the arm.  Crazy stuff.

24 June 2021

 

     I was awake at the silly hour of 3 am, which is actually better than the norm.  I sure hope this changes.  I am so tired all of the time.

     Read and continued working on my mosaic while listening to a little Garbage, spending the morning in the day room to socialize while I worked.

     On 9 June 2021 Dr. Pophali recommended a followup appointment in seven to ten days.  While I am the one with the increased cancerous CNS involvement, it is our Health Services Unit who struggle cognitively.  I still have not had that appointment.

23 June 2021

 

     I pooped on myself this morning.  What a humiliating thing to happen. 

     My insides are a mess.  I am constipated, yet have mucous, then a mix.  I stood up from my chair and without warning it came out running down my leg.  You just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

     They dismissed my complaint in regards to the Wisconsin Parole Commission telling me I am ineligible for compassionate release.  Our Inmate Complaint Examiner seems to have missed the argument, or purposely choose to sidestep it.

     He said that parole decisions are outside of the scope of the Inmate Complaint Review System.  But parole did not make a decision on whether to release me or not.  They claim Executive Directive is off limits to individuals who have reached parole.

eligibility. An interpretation I disagree with. 

     It is this rule interpretation, not a decision whether to release me or not that I am challenging.

     I can and am appealing it, but they will likely ignore my point and agree with the ICE.

     This is where FFUP comes in and we bring the issue to court.  However, the court will sit on it likely until I die, thus ruling the point is moot.  This is why it is so important to get this approved as a class action suit.  That way the suit and issue will survive me.

     I wrote the appeal, will make copies, and will send it off in the mail tonight.

    I developed the visual hallucinations again today.  That is the fourth time, therefore it appears to be progressive.  Plus it was the second time out of the four I lost a part of my field of vision after the flashes of light dissipated.

22 June 2021

 

     David Hockney is really attacking linear perspective in his book A History of Pictures.  Interesting argument.

     My neighbor Bob Blunt said I was the talk in the library today.  The guy who is dying but keeps on pushing out artwork.

21 June 2021

 

     I have not been functioning at the highest levels both physically and mentally lately.  The struggles with sleep -- I believe, I had two two hour periods of sleep last night, simply crazy -- I believe is the latter's biggest factor.  Yet I have been accomplishing things.

     I have been able to get stuff to the courts, FFUP, organizing artwork for distribution, through the Inmate Complaint Review System, and get my cell better organized.  The latter, while still in more need, has been a disaster.  I have to give myself a pat on the back.

     I wonder if any of that can be attributed to cutting back on the running.

     I am working on artwork too.  Not as much as I would like, but it is slowly taking shape.

     Working on my collage mosaic I notice an increased level of pain in the forearm and elbow.  It seems the art making aggravates the arm, possibly the cutting with the scissors action.  Like that will stop me.  Cold day in hell.

20 June 2021

 

     I went to recreation and chatted and walked with David Tarlo.  Good company.  Then set up my mosaic in the day room and worked on it as I socialized.  The increased  socialization was one of my post vaccinated,  post CAR T-cell goals.

     We have rain for the third out of four days.  But it has been light, and we are in a terrible drought.

     I was able to run under a double rainbow this evening, with a light rain, while being serenaded by frogs.  Absolutely sublime.  Life is still beautiful.

    The pain in the shoulder and arm has increased this weekend, after seeing steady improvement.  Yet it is stronger. 

19 June 2021

 

     Happy Juneteenth Day.  I had another night of about three hours of sleep.  I talked to my parents and wished my dad a Happy Father's Day.

     A couple days ago, Talyn "T.J." Stathopoulos, one of the special needs workers came up to me and said, Sergeant Murphy says we cannot bring your meal tray to your cell anymore. 

     With my compromised immune system they had been trying to keep me away from masses of people.  On the previous unit they had me eat breakfast in the cell, and the other meals early.  This change was out of the blue, and not discussed with me. 

     Today my special needs worker Tony Stelter tells me he can no longer help me clean my cell, per Sergeant Murphy.  Again the sergeant does not bother to talk to me about it.  I go looking for him and ask him what is going on. 

     Our Health Services Unit is supposed to provide a file on what special needs we have due to extraordinary health conditions.  He does not have a file on me.  Considering I have been dealing with this illness since September 2019, and he has watched my decline firsthand from physical specimen for my age to wreck, this sudden change is puzzling.

     With the diminished use of my right arm I do need someone to carry my food try, and, in the last month, help cleaning my cell.  I struggle to lift anything with weight.  I do not like it, but at this point this is where I am.

     What frustrates me is why do I have to expend so my energy, and why am I  constantly dealing with the stress of these bureaucratic messes?  And why do it backhanded, and not talk to me?

     I told Sergeant Murphy to next time talk to me.

     I am working on this paper mosaic.  I want to use a double complimentary color scheme.  Violet and yellow, with blue and orange. 

     I remember Ron English's pieces and his use of the blue and orange compliment.  It talks to me.

     Michael Wilcox's Perfect Color Choices for the Artist suggests that should be blue-green and orange.

     On the warm side of my face I am unsure if I should use the orange, with the blue for areas like bags under my eyes.  Or should I use different valued oranges, saving the blues for the cool side of the face.  So, and I hate time being a factor here, I am thinking of doing multiples to play both color themes out.  I could in fact do even more color studies here.

     The last few days have had my mind working this color problem out.  It is not a bad place to be.

     The problem is this will really take time.  This is a tedious project, as far as measuring the pieces out and cutting them, before gluing them down.  I do not know how much more usable time I have.

     Claude Monet really worked the same idea over and over.  I believe, while color was a big player in those series, he was more interested in atmospheric effects.

     As I piece together my mosaic I believe I will need to work on a larger scale.  My paper mosaic triangles are halved 7.5 mm squares. My support is only 11 inches by 14 inches.  At that size the pixilation might just be too great.

    I have the 18 inch by 24 inch Stonehenge, but I wanted the stiffer bristol board.  I could use the bristol board as a politych.

     When I was at the hospital for the CAR T-cell therapy they asked me where is the happy place I go when in times of stress.

     "Art," I told them.

     I am in a happy place right now.

     I saw a dramatic improvement on the pain level associated with swallowing today.  But my palate Is still messed up and my mouth tastes something akin to a cat litter box.

     I cannot taste spicy.

     I had a group of guys camped outside my cell door as we listened to the end of the thrilling Bucks game on the radio.  That was good fun.

18 June 2021

 

     I slept about three hours.  This really needs to get better.  I did get everything together for Peg Swan and FFUP.

     I received the oil paints my father ordered me from J.L. Marcus today.  That was faster than I expected.  I had heard horror stories of multi-month waits.

     I have not used oils since I was at the Green Bay Correctional Institution.  I will enjoy the fragrance of them again.

     I ran five miles tonight.  The legs are really heavy.    I decided yesterday to cut down on the running.  I will run Friday and Sunday nights, then either Tuesday or Wednesday.  I will stay at five miles for know, then decide if I need to cut it down to 5K a day.  Obviously, not too long from now, I will no longer be able to run.  But I am not there yet.  Just tired and wanting to use that energy elsewhere, like art.

17 June 2021

 

     I have begun A History of Pictures by David Hockney and Martin Gayford.  I really do not like Hockney's art, but I love his insight into art history.  He is my kind of artist.  He appreciates and understands his place within the continuum of art history.

     Maybe it is my substitute for religion.  The human need to feel greater than oneself.  Being an atheist, I do not find it in one of the gods, so I find it in art.  An interesting idea.

    Alfred Stieglitz once argued art would become the new religion.

     Chad Martin had a few of us outside to take our photograph with illustrations we did for the Tri-County Overdose Fatality Review board..  It will be posted on the WI DOC website.  I was able to chat with my friend Kabe Harrah briefly.

     I finally received my Magic Mouthwash to help numb my throat so I can swallow seven days after Dr. Pophali recommended it, four of which I was in too much pain to eat solids.  Here is where the problem lies.

     I was always in possession of it!  I have 30 ml jars of CMP - ALUM+MAGL+SIMETH/LIDO  amongst my plethora of medications.  When I returned to the prison on June ninth, Fryczynski, RN reviewed my paperwork, and told me that the request for Magic Mouthwash was only a recommendation, but it would be passed on to my provider.  I told her I had not been able to eat solids that day, because it was too downright painful, and swallowing liquids and my own saliva was painful in itself.

     She obviously did not review my medication list, because had she would have informed me I already had access to it and, if I was out of it, i needed to reorder it.  As a lay person, CMP-ALUM+MAG+SIMETH/LIDO does not translate to Magic Mouthwash.  That is why we have medical professionals, and this one dropped the ball leaving me to suffer.

     I see Kira Labby, MD on Friday the eleventh, and I again bring up the Magic Mouthwash. She is surprised, because she received no such request.  Someone seems to have noticed that the request was for a medication I already had access to, therefore believing forwarding the recommendation to Dr. Labby redundant.  Labby says her assistant may not have gotten all the notes from the appointment into the system.  Again, Dr. Labby does not review my medication list and inform me I already have access to this drug, and if I am out, I need to reorder it.  She says she will order it for me.

     Again the ball is dropped.  I am at three days without solid foods living off my limit of three Boost a day and tea.  Yet very much in pain.  A simple review of my medication list would have prevented more pain and suffering.

     I begin eating solids on Sunday the thirteenth, but it is painful.

     When no Magic Mouthwash arrives on Monday I send in a Health Services Request form (DOC-3035R) which is responded on Tuesday the fifteenth, by the prison's led nurse Cindy Barton, RN, "Ordered, will send when received".  Again she failed to review my medication list and notify me I already have access to the drug, explaining its chemical name, and having me check to see if I have it.  The third medical professional at Redgranite's Health Services unit who has failed to do this very basic task.  Check a patients medication list and convert chemical names to layperson terms to review whether the patient may already have access to the drug.  As patients and lay persons, we are relying on our medical professionals to guide us through this, but they are not up to the task.

     On Tuesday the sixteenth I write our Health Services, manager Angie Thompson, RN, but Cindy Barton, RN, does not allow it to get to her boss's desk.  She answers the request slip (DOC-761), "This compounded mouth wash hasn't been requested by you until recently, it is ordered and will be dispensed when it arrives today or tomorrow.".  She attaches a "Med list," highlighting "AL hydroxide/Mg hydroxide/simethimicone (CMP - Alum+Mag+Simeth/Lidocaine 1:1)". 

     As a layperson there is almost no chance of me correlating that to "Magic Mouthwash".  This is why we have medical professionals to guide us through this stuff.  Add to that my cancer had entered the brain, and the latest MRI showed increased growth, meaning cognitively I am not at full strength.  Yet for an entire week our prison's medical staff failed me one after another, when a simple check of my medication list and a translation from medical terms to lay terms would have prevented a week of suffering.

     But for the first time in seven days one of RGCI's medical staff actually did check my medication list and informs me I already have access to the drug, highlighting what Magic Mouthwash is known as. 

      These reviews of Health Service requests are done first thing in the morning.  Cindy Barton, RN could have at that time called me to the Health Services Unit, or called the housing unit informing me that the drug has been available to me the entire time.  Instead she sends it through the institution mail and I go another two meals eating in pain unknowingly having access to Magic Mouthwash the entire time, not receiving this information until 7 pm.  Which is the same time I receive a new bottle of the "compounded mouth wash."

     Again another dropped opportunity to limit the pain and suffering of a patient under their care.

     In had a ZOOM meeting with Peg Swan of Forum For Understanding Prisons.  She wants to go ahead on trying to take my Executive Directive #31 to a class action lawsuit.  Once I get the warden's decision I will get copies to her.  That means I need to write up step two prior to getting that decision.

     She also wants the sentence modification reply with Walworth County.  I told her it might help others.

     She said I look tired.  I am exhausted.

     I decided to cut back on my running because I only have do much energy.  I enjoy it, but I enjoy making art too.  The latter has a deeper meaning to me.

     I worked on my paper mosaic collage while listening to the Bucks even up the playoff basketball series against the Brooklyn Nets.

16 June 2021

 

     I completed my response to  Walworth County for a sentence modification.  I will have the library print it up and I will mail it.  I knew the outcome before I began the process.  I had no intention of doing the appeals, compassionate release, or this stuff with the governor.  But I have this old woman I love at home asking me, "Dominic, when are you coming home?".

     I did not have the heart to tell her I was not going to try because the effort is fruitless.  Even though that was my intent.  But when it was time to say it I told her I would do everything I could to gain my release.  And I have been.

15 June 2021

 

  The prison health care incompetence is wearing on me.  On 8 June 2021 I saw Dr. Pophali at UW Health who recommended Magic Mouthwash to numb my throat to help me eat, after the side effects of radiation.  When I returned to UW the nurse who reviewed my appointment with UW failed to get this recommendation to Dr. Labby.

    When I saw Dr. Labby on Friday the eleventh she was surprised to learn of it, but ordered it.  By that time I was three days without solid food taking in only tea and three Boost liquid supplements a day.

     It is now June 15th, a full six days after the initial recommendation, in an age where we can next day just about anything, and I still cannot get the magic mouthwash.  This is cruel indifference.

     I am eating solids again, but swallowing continues to be painful.

     Then I have Ron Holmes in our records office.  The Walworth County courts notified me I have a ZOOM court hearing at 4pm on 29 June.  The records office sends me a notice that I have a 1pm meeting with Walworth County on this date.  So I notify RGCI records and Holmes replies, "There is no problem to solve."

     Where do they get these people from?

     I can deal with the cancer.  It is like getting hit by lightning.  Things just happen and there is not a damned thing you can do about it.  But the preventable things like them running out of my cancer medication, or not understanding a three hour time discrepancy on a court appointment is what I struggle with.  The incompetency here is a struggle.

     David Tarlo sat down and listened to me spill my guts out with the frustration I am having with this the other night.  Bless him, because I really needed someone to talk to get it out.  He is a good man. 

     I had my best run since my failed CAR T-cell therapy.  Then Chad Martin put me to work (I enjoy to work and miss normal) painting the numbers and lines on our shuffle board courts (are they courts?).  Then, while listening to one of the most exciting basketball games I ever listened to (Bucks lost to the Nets), I finished the Janari McKinnie Mug-shot collage.

     I am working my ass off.  I wish I could get the powers to be to put in twenty-five percent of the effort I do.

14 June 2021

 

     Every day seems to be a new challenge.  I struggle to sleep more than three hours a night, I lose use of my right arm, I cannot swallow solids, and my vision goes all whack on me.

     I expected to be dead this past April or May.  Yet I still go out and run five miles, albeit exceedingly slow, almost daily, I talk to my loved ones, I am still plowing through my art history books, and I am still making artwork.

     I am doing fantastic for a dead man.

13 June 2021

 

     I am out running yesterday when I develop visual hallucinations.  I am receiving bright flashes, with rainbow colors with each step.  I am almost finished with my five mile run, and by this point everything is pretty much, "Geez, what's next?"

     I assume once I stop running the hallucinations will stop.  They don't.  Flashing continues and I am concerned.  I tell a couple of the guys, who, being lifelong drug addicts, think that is the greatest thing in the world. 

     According to Mike I am getting a heightened sense of reality.  I think they are insane.

     It finally stops, but my vision is messed up.  I see, but there is the central part of my visual picture which is missing.  There is not this space there, just missing information.  It is like taking a photograph, cutting a quarter inch out of the middle vertically, then putting it back together.

     Within an hour things went back to normal, but I sure hope this is not a sign of what is in store in the future. 

     I expect to see Dr. Pophali next week, and will bring it up.  But when I do this it usually means followup visits with more specialists, and I really am sick of seeing doctors, hospitals, and twelve hour days to and from them in shackles.

     The hair loss from the chemotherapy has stopped.  Now wads are coming out where they did the radiation.

     I have been urging Ron Janz to buy Snickers bars so he can give me the wrappers for my collages.  I have been working on the Janari McKinnie college and really need more Snickers wrappers.

     He has been fantastic with sending wrappers my way.

     Sat down with Fernando Torres and did take three of a sketch for the Mug- shot series.  Absolute disaster, so I went back and worked into take two.

11 June 2021

 

     Today the Green Bay area (we are in their TV market) is expected to see its seven day of ninety degrees or more.  The average in a normal calendar year.  It has been warm.

     I went to see Dr. Labby today and, as they always do, they weighed me.  I lost eight pounds since the last time I was on that scale, which is only about a week ago.

     The radiation treatment has swallowing very uncomfortable, a condition known as mucositis  Saliva, and fluids, are uncomfortable, while solid foods are downright painful to down right now.

     I did have a little more energy in my step this morning, and was passing guys who had been passing me on my daily run.  Plus the guys still passing me, which is most everyone, did not pass me as often.

     We I relapse I always have bundles (bundles as in two or three) of days like that, then reality returns.  But I have learned to appreciate them.

10 June 2021

 

     I had gone out running five miles a couple days ago.  Then jumped on the softball diamond. Finished up a chapter in The Self-Portrait, and was working on some artwork.  I realized how happy I was and wondered if I actually fully comprehend the finality of death.

     I know it is coming.  I know it is coming soon.  And I have no beliefs in afterlives.  Death is the end, and I am really enjoying living. 

     How can I be happy and not fretting about what I expect will come in only a few months?  Do I not fully comprehend death?

     This puzzles the hell out of me.

     I was able to get in a slow five mile run on a very hot morning, then call the parents.  The latter is always a real pick-me-up.  Great to talk to them.

9 June 2021

 

     Swallowing is downright painful now.

     I went to UW Health and saw Dr. Pophali today, and she smiled.  Normally she is very stoic.  I asked if she had quintuplets, "One" she said.  She was back this week from her paternity leave.

     She said my latest MRI showed increased cancer activity in the lower portion of the brain.  That may explain why why I am struggling with names, words, and thinking in general.

     She said the loss of strength on my right side is not muscular, but nerve damage.  I should continue to exercise it -- she will recommend setting me up with physical therapy -- but I may never see improvement. 

     She also said they may have a drug onboard in as little as a week (Dr. Kenkre thought it would be months), but the side effects, especially with the CNS involvement, are unknown.  This drug is not meant for what we are doing.  They worry about a coma.  I would not find that a bad way to go.

     I am more upbeat than I was this morning, but death is very close.

     This was an eleven and a half hour trip to and from the hospital in handcuffs and shackles.  My seventh such trip in fourteen days.  That is just way too much time in handcuffs and shackles.

8 June 2021

 

     I slept better last night, but it was still a tossing and turning night.  We have had a string of very hot and humid days, and the prisons’ ventilation system does a poor job of air exchange preventing the cells from bringing in the cooler night air.

     I still ran five miles this morning and tried to "push it" until the heat said no.  But my pushing it now is within context of my health.  I can barely move compared to what I am accustomed to.

     It is sad, but also amazing that I still have the will and determination to keep on going.

     Swallowing is a little more difficult today.  Even liquids are uncomfortable, but I plan to do a Boost liquid diet tonight in lieu of solid food.  I believe it will go down easier.

7 June 2021

 

     The shoulder is a little sorer than yesterday, but only an acetaminophen morning.   The elbow is more balky than yesterday, with increased numbness and tingling in the hand and fingers.  I slept about four hours.  I do not understand these sleep issues.

     I am starting to have issues swallowing. 

     Our hot water dispenser failed overnight.  How is a guy supposed get a hot cuppa to start his day in the morning?

     I ran five miles then got onto the softball diamond.  I caught two balls, swung super soft, could only throw the ball about eight feet, and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  It is okay to suck.

6 June 2021

 

     I was busy today sending motions to court, getting documents to Peg Swan at the Forum For Understanding Prisons, information to have my dad look into for me (poor guy), I did a second take on my Fernando Torres sketch for the Mugshot series (much better) and I even ran five miles. 

     Plus I was showing the guys how wasted my right arm is that I cannot even get the basketball to the baseline, let alone the basket, from the free throw line.  The cancer has wasted me away.  I am little more than sagging flesh.

    Steve Wankowski gave me more banana chips too.

     Fernando wanted me to get across, when exhibiting his portrait, that he believes he is the longest serving juvenile lifer in Wisconsin.  So I need to keep making these so our stories get out. 

     I am not the man I was twenty-three years ago when I committed my crimes.  Nor are a majority of us who have spent twenty, thirty, forty, and more years behind bars.

     I am very tired but had a satisfying day.  I believe my best day post-quarantine since returning from the hospital.  Although the arm and shoulder weakness is a challenge, which will rear its ugly head when I try to take off my socks.

5 June 2021

 

     The pain is greater today than yesterday, elbow and shoulder.  It will be an oxycodone morning.  I hate that stuff.

     I was so tired last night it was unbelievable, yet I was awake shortly after 3am.  I do not understand why I struggle to sleep.

     I bought an electric razor almost two years ago through the mandated Wisconsin Department of Corrections system in which the DOC gets 10% of all sales.  A tax on the poor.

     It broke about after seven days.  The seller refused to replace it and mandated I send it in under the manufacturer’s warranty.  About three months ago I received a new razor.  I just spent 20 days at UW Health, so in just over 60 days it broke again.  Of course, the ninety-day warranty is from the original purchase date.  Yet the state of Wisconsin gets to retain the 10% tax, plus the additional 5.5% tax they made on the sale of the item.  That is a sin.

     With the loss of strength, numbness, tingling, and motion I am having in my right shoulder and arm, shaving with the electric razor has been a challenge.  Switching to a disposable this morning was really difficult.

     I put some time into my paint chip self-portrait collage while listening to the Bucks' basketball game.

4 June 2021

 

     I went to UW Health for more radiation today.  I met with Dr. Bradley who seems to believe we have seen significant shrinkage with the tumor on my neck.  I will have a consultation with Dr. Pophali next week to determine our next course of action.

     Despite hating the trips, I would like more radiation because I continue to suffer from pain, numbness, tingling, and a dramatic loss of strength in the right arm and shoulder.

     I began reading The Self-Portrait: A Cultural History by James Hall today.  He notes that, "Rather than overemphasizing the artist's pursuit of an accurate likeness, [his book] looks at the many competing motivations for making and shaping a self-portrait."

     I had started a series of self-portraits to document the changing disfiguration of my face from the coming and goings of the tumors.  With the disease dramatically effecting my right arm I am, at this point, unable to capture my likeness, nor anyone else's.  I decided to go ahead with the series as the self-portraits will capture the deterioration of my body from the disease.  Just as Hall argues self-portraiture is not always an attempt at capturing a likeness.

     It will give me more motivation to press on.  Although I always seem to find some reason to keep pushing hard.

     I plan to run five miles tonight.

3 June 2021

 

     I went in for radiation today at UW Health.  I have a visit tonight via Zoom.  I am tired.  A little more pain than yesterday.  I slept for just over five hours.  I would have liked more.

     I finished But Didn't We Have Fun? An Informal History of Baseball's Pioneer Era, 1843-1870.  I enjoyed it but wish it went more in depth.

     I knew early baseball was championed as a way of engaging in healthy exercise.  Considering how television era children and adults were labeled couch potatoes, I could not understand how nineteenth century baseball could gain that status.

     Morris explained that the alternative in cities, where most baseball was played, was the tavern with its drinking and gambling.  People back then often began working at ten or twelve years old.

     I had a Zoom call with Peg Swan with the Forum For Understanding Prisons, who is helping me with my push to be released.

     I received notice that the Department of Corrections turned down my request for a compassionate release.  I will file a complaint, which at best will end up in court, who will sit on it until I die.  Thus, declaring it a moot issue.

2 June 2021

 

     I woke up this morning feeling like a new man.  I still have excessive loss of strength in my right shoulder and arm.  Plus, the numbness and tingling continue.  However, the excruciating pain in my shoulder and arm are gone.  I was able to sleep last night.  Tonight, I am really going to sleep.

     The downside is we stopped treating me for cancer and switched to palliative care.  A very sad occasion.

1 June 2021

 

     I went in for radiation today.  Dr. Bradley examined me, and, after a consultation with Dr. Kenkre, it was decided to place me on a steroid.  I am losing strength in my right shoulder and have increased pain. 

     We switched from cancer treatment to palliative care today.  If they had not treated the inflammation in the right shoulder with the steroids, effectively killing off any CAR T-cells that may still have been fighting the cancer, I would have lost use of that arm and shoulder permanently due to the compression of the nerves from the tumorous mass in the neck. The CAR T-cell therapy was a failure.

     My days are numbered.

     I still ran five miles after returning to the prison.  I do not know how long I will be able to continue this.  I am running on empty with a lot of pain all the time.

31 May 2021

 

     I ended up going to evening recreation last night and running another 5 K.  I had hoped to see a plethora of swallows and dragonflies.  Despite there being gnats, the dragonflies and swallows were not to be seen.

     I sat down with a banana but being exhausted, just went to bed and ate the banana this morning.

     I have almost no energy this morning, but do not have the pain I had yesterday.  I feel weakness in the right arm. 

     I tried to lift a book and the weight of the book brought my arm down, like some cheesy special effects out of a bad Sci-Fi movie.

     I ran another five miles today, but it was exceedingly slow.

     Plan to draw Fernando Torres tonight for my Mugshot series.  I am curious what I can do with this arm.  It is a real issue.

     I sat down to draw Fernando and it was a disaster.  I am struggling to raise my right arm to measure him while I draw him.  We will have at it again, but I sure hope I see improvement in my arm with the radiation or learn to work around this disability.

     Things are a struggle.

30 May 2021

 

     I had to use my left hand to shave and brush my teeth this morning because my right arm was in so much pain.  I still ran five miles this morning, but I feel terrible.

     There are trees not that far beyond the prison fences.  On my early morning run I could hear various birds calling.  It is such a pleasant and relaxing experience.

28 May 2021

 

     I went to UW Health yesterday and had my first dose of radiation.  It went smoothly, but I felt horrible.  On Sunday I felt terrible, on Wednesday I felt terrible  (more pain and less of the icky, for the lack of a better term, than Sunday).  Yesterday was more icky then Wednesday and more pain than Sunday.  Plus, it was terribly cold and I froze on the way back from the prison in the van.

     When we returned to the prison my blood pressure was 175 over something.  I am a wreck.

     I think some people do not believe I am as sick as I am because I am out running and stuff.  But the numbers and scans to not lie.  I just continue to push through the pain and sickness because I am stubborn.

     My good friend James E. Lipscomb wrote me saying I was so stubborn that I would argue the sky is not blue.  Well, it really is not, it is just the way the light is refracted.  Plus, if you had to assign it a color it is azure.

     Steve Wankowski gave me some wonderful banana chips which I put in my oatmeal and bran flakes.  He says he is sick of them, but I just think he is being nice.  How can someone not like banana chips?

     My entire right arm and shoulder hurt horribly.

     I had my second round of radiation.  The radiated area is sore.  I am really spaced out.

26 May 2021

     I slept five hours, until about 2:30 AM.  Still not the sleep I need, but better than I have been getting.

     The arm is killing me.

     I was sitting outside in the Sun with my eyes closed and optically I saw a Cubist painting on the illuminated insides of my eyelids.  That is really cool.

     I feel terrible today.  This might be worse than Sunday.  Sunday was bad.

25 May 2021

 

     We decided to go ahead with radiation therapy.  It is not to treat the cancer, but palliative.

     We will be trying to shrink the tumor on my neck to take the pressure of my nerves feeding into my shoulder, arm, hands, and fingers.

     The pain is terrible, and sleeping is a struggle.  If it works it will be welcome, and greatly improve my quality of life.

     I will be going for a week to two weeks (five to ten days).  Considering each of those trips is ten to twelve hours in shackles, this will not be a picnic.

     I will be getting a tattoo, likely tattoos, which will be dots that will be used to aim the laser when getting the radiation.

     Dr. Bradley said they will radiate the mass in my neck, and the lymph nodes in that area.

     I saw my first dragonflies, or dragonfly (it may have been the same one twice) of the year running this morning.  On the medical trip the roadsides were laced with a wonderful bounty of wildflowers: lavenders, yellows, whites, yellow oranges, and purples.  Plus, a plethora or gorgeous red wing blackbirds. It was absolutely delicious.

23 May 2021

 

     I went out and ran another five miles today, but I did not receive the endorphin pain relief I received yesterday.  I feel terrible.

     I need sleep and I need pain relief.  The arm may hurt a little worse today.  A lot of numbness, and tingling.

     I am mentally in a terrible place.  Just whiney and grouchy.

22 May 2021

 

     I feel terrible.  Not enough sleep and the pain is awful.  I took the ten milligrams of oxycodone, what I am permitted by the Wisconsin Department of Corrections, Wednesday and Thursday nights, but it did not even touch the pain.

     I did finish Calder: The Conquest of Space by Jed Perl, and The Story of the Bauhaus by Frances Ambler today.  With as poorly as I have been feeling I should probably reread the second half of the Calder biography, as my comprehension is terrible right now.

     I just do not understand his stables.  What makes them of monumental importance?  I get the mobiles.

21 May 2021

 

     Wow, what a busy few days!

     I had a sentence modification telecourt hearing yesterday with LaCrosse, and they did not say no.  The state will review my case and make a recommendation June 2nd. 

     I also have a second sentence modification hearing with Walworth County that day.

     I do not expect anyone to support my release.

     I had a telemed appointment with Dr. Kenkre yesterday too.  She said she came into the appointment very upbeat, but is more worried after talking to me.

     I came into the appointment thinking that we had failed with the chimera treatment, and it was palliative care from here on out.  After talking to her I am far more optimistic.

     I am experiencing growth with the cancerous mass on my neck, tenderness in the groin with enlarged areas, and extreme pain, numbness, and tingling in my right arm, shoulder, hand, and fingers.  The latter, Dr. Labby (the prison doctor) attributed to a vaccination injection hitting a nerve cluster.

     Dr. Kenkre says the imaging we did shows that my tumors are in fact larger.  But there are no new tumors.  Typically, something that occurs when I have increased cancer activity.

     I had my night sweats return in April, continue through my hospitalization, only to go away six days after returning to prison.  Nineteen days after my treatment.

     A sign of cancer regression in me.

     Prior to my hospitalization I was having intermittent nausea issues.  This went away while I was hospitalized.  Another sign of cancer regression.

     My HDL levels are normal.  Whenever I have increased cancer activity, Dr. Kenkre pointed out, my HDL levels went up.  Which is a sign of a lot of dead cells in my blood.  Normal levels is a sign of no increase in cancer activity.

     Therefore, other than the increase in size of my tumors, all signs point towards regression of the cancer.

     Dr. Kenkre believes that the increased tumor size can be inflammation from the Tecartus cells attacking the cancer cells. 

     She also disagrees with Dr. Labby's assessment of the source of the pain on my right side.  She believes the tumorous mass on my neck is putting pressure on the nerves that are in my neck that feed into my right shoulder, arm, et cetera, causing the pain, numbness, and tingling.

     She wants to find a way to address the cause of the pain, that will not damage or kill the Tecartus cells.  We want those to continue to fight the cancer.  If we kill them off it is game over.

     I feel better, while she is concerned about the pain levels and groin discomfort.

     I ran another five miles this morning, wrote a bunch more letters for the mail Redgranite lost for a while, and worked on my text self-portrait.

     While I am in terrible pain, and feel terrible, I am still pushing myself pretty good and getting stuff done.  Pat on the back, dominic.

     Inside I feel like I should get more done.

18 May 2021

 

     I am finally out of quarantine today.  My back is very tender from the multiple spinal tap attempts.  Plus, I have been on what is essentially bed rest for five weeks.  Yet I strapped on my running shoes and ran five miles. 

      I do not feel good, but it felt good to run.

     Being out of quarantine I actually have access to a regular mirror.  It appears I have noticeable disease progression in the tumorous mass on the right of my neck.  Additionally, I have had tenderness in my right groin area.  I was self-examining myself and believe there is mass down there.  Definitely tender.

     My right shoulder and arm have been sore.  I had believed it was a side effect from my COVID-19 vaccine.  Dr. Labby said it is common to hit a nerve mass which will improve in time.

     Mine has been getting progressively worse to the point I struggle to sleep.  I now wonder if this too is not a cancer issue.

     Cancer, the gift that keeps on giving.

     I sure hope I am mistaken.  I was supposed to have a telemed visit with Dr. Kenkre this week.  With the failed lumbar puncture, I do not know if that is still scheduled. 

17 May 2021

 

     I went to UW Health today and received a PET scan, an MRI, blood work, and was supposed to receive a lumbar puncture.  Amy, my nurse practitioner, made three tries at the lumber puncture, but could not get it.  She said she would reschedule it with the aid of something akin to an x-ray as soon as possible.

     I had really hoped to be done with UW until my next PET scan in late July.  I could be back there again this week.

     Usually, the lumbar punctures go really smoothly with minimal discomfort, but I am really sore today.  Amy made three attempts, yet it feels like more.

16 May 2021

 

     The prison medical staff pulled my blood thinner today.  This means I will be going to UW Health this week to get a spinal tap.  We are looking to see if the cancer cells have been cleared from my central nervous system.

     My last spinal tap, which would have been about April 8th, was cancer free.  And that was an extensive testing.  

     It had been clear once before but came back the next week.

     The hope is the CAR T-cell therapy cleared the cancer from the central nervous system, if any still was in there.

     Dr. Kenkre says we will not use interthecal chemotherapy even if we come up positive with CNS cancer cells.  Doing so may take out any CAR T-cell still doing their trick.

    Thus far I have not had full response with the CAR T-cell therapy.  I still have a cancerous mass on the right side of my neck.  A PET scan, which also will occur this week, should show whether or not the mass has been reduced in size.

     The PET scans are not as clear as one would like.  My last one had a lot of cloudiness, which they believed was inflammation from the interthecal chemotherapy.

     I have been spending way too much time lying in bed.  The solitary confinement for an unwarranted quarantine has me depressed.  I am getting some work done on my text self-portrait.

     My big 'fro hairdo is done.  I am now working on my forehead, trying to blend the wrinkles and shadows.  It is not as easy with text.  But I think it will look really cool.

     I have a picture in my head of this at a gallery, framed, with patrons trying to read the text during a show.  Of course, everyone is dressed in black because I would be.

13 May 2021

 

     I received a response on my complaint that RGCI officials lost my mail.  They contend I have no proof that I received any mail in that time period.  It seems that USA Today Sports Weekly, Artforum, and Wisconsin PBS all conspired to not mail me their publications, plus my friends, and the courts while I was in the hospital.

     Amazing.

12 May 2021

 

     Another day in solitary confinement.  The DOC officials believe the SARS CoV 2 virus can differentiate between a prisoner and non-prisoner who is spends the night outside of the prison.  Because I am in solitary confinement quarantine for spending the night outside of the prison the gates.  Something every employee does daily.

     They still cannot find my mail.

11 May 2021

 

     No night sweats last night.  That is the first time in nearly a calendar month.  I still woke up with a low grade headache.

     I did receive a notice that I have a video court hearing on May 20th with LaCrosse County.  I still have no clue as to what occurred with my scheduled April 19th hearing in Elkhorn County that I was hospitalized for. 

     These are requests for sentence modifications due to my incurable cancer.

     They still cannot find my mail.

10 May 2021

 

      The Wisconsin National Guard was in Redgranite Correctional Institution testing for COVID-19.  Remember I am in quarantine, not because I was in close contact with some who had COVID-19, but because I was outside of the prison overnight.  Therefore, not following CDC guidelines.

    I was tested today and will again be in four days.

     I still have not received any of my mail from the twenty days I was outside of the prison.  I did talk to a mailroom officer.  She said during those twenty days the mail would have been sent to the unit I was living on prior to my hospital stay.

    She brought me the five books I ordered previously, plus two erasers my dad ordered for me.

     The headache will not go away.