24 July 2021

   I had a really good day today.  I read a chapter in Louise Nevelson: Art Is Life by Laurie Wilson.  I did finish up ...ism: Understanding Art by Stephen Little a few days prior.

     I talked to my parents on the phone, which I always enjoy.  Continued working on my maquette for my cubist self-portrait.  Ran a sweaty mile -- boy, is it humid -- without any optical issues.

     Dr. Douglass Dean helped me find Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, by Hannes Kästner. I have been trying to find the song for years but did not know the title.

     Finished up my self-portrait that I had started the night prior.

     I put more time into this one than is typical, which created a more polished piece.  It turned out damned good, which frustrates me.

     I put in all this time and hard work to polish my art skills, and I am still getting better, and this damned cancer is going to steal a good fifteen to thirty years of art making from me.  What a waste of hard work and talent.

     In the Nevelson book, a museum was holding an exhibition and the artist would be on hand.  The curator of the show told high placed patrons that they should make a point to see Nevelson and the show because at seventy the end is likely near.

     Nevelson continued on as a highly productive artist into the second half of her eighties.

     I read that and I felt robbed ever since.  Although, that is not a new feeling, it just reopened that sore.  Typically, I just feel disappointed.  I had expected to get another fifteen to twenty-five years out of this body.

     Listened to the start and finish of the Brewers beating the White Sox in their baseball game.  Missing the in between while squeezing in Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff in, one of my top five favorite horror films, The Black Cat --the whole reason Bach music came up; the song is in the soundtrack -- on Svengoolie in between.

     To me that is a wonderful day.

23 July 2021

 

     The visual hallucinations returned during the morning mile run, followed by the visual impairment.  Then a pretty good headache.  Despite all that I continued my work on my motion to the United States District Court suing the Department of Corrections over the interpretation of their Executive Directive #31 rule.  I am trying to get a parole hearing due to an extraordinary health condition.

     The parole commission says I do not qualify because I have already reached my parole eligibly date.  I disagree because the rule explicitly states regardless of parole eligibility date.

     I continued working on a colored pencil cubist self portrait.  A maquette for a painting I plan to do after.  Then, after I go get my mirtazapine, I will park my rear in front of the mirror to do a sketch on that continued series, while listening to the Brewers, White Sox game on the radio.

     Dr. Pophali  believed the tumor on the right side of my neck was larger than it was when I saw her twenty-six days prior.  That and I have gotten so fat.  The changing face of dominic.

22 July 2021

 

     I did not have the visual hallucinations following my mile run this morning for the first time in over a month.  It was nice because Saturday the visual impairment which follows the hallucinations lasted around nine hours.

     I tried to log onto the kiosk and I kept getting into login help.  I could not figure out why I was going into that screen.  I was not seeing the login box, and was not seeing the word "help" in the login help box.  Frustrating, yet funny. Ugh.

21 July 2021

 

     I went to the hospital today and Dr. Pophali also believes I am not responding to the drug.  We are boosting the dosage from 200mg to 300mg to see if we get a response.  She also wanted to go with interthecal chemotherapy, because she is worried about my headaches and vision issues, but discovered we could not do both together.  If the drug doesn't work then we can pull that and treat the symptoms from the disease in the central nervous system in an effort to keep me as functionable as long as possible.

     The problem is my cancer has been exposed to those drugs before and may have evolved past them already, or could soon shortly.  To put it plainly, things are not promising.  Oh, well.

     I go back in about three weeks.

     The sides of the rural highways are loaded with wildflowers.  They seem more abundant, but not as brilliant as they appeared in spring.  I think that is because the grasses are also blooming which are brown. Lots of Queen Anne's lace.

     Another headache today, and to be honest, I developed a slight one late last night.  That is five days in a row.  I hope the last two are because I was short on sleep.

20 July 2021

 

     No headache today.  I did wake up silly early, but it was a first in awhile where I could not get back to sleep.

      The Inmate Review System dismissed my appeal, again not addressing the issue I complained about.  However, this absolutely clears the way to court.

     I was unable to finish the changes to the motion due to the fact they closed the library after 2pm to train staff.  I hope to finish it tomorrow, then one never knows how long it will take the librarian to print it up.

     That can be a slow process.  It should not be.

     The air has the scent of burnt Styrofoam, with some really hazy air.  I do not know if the source is local, the raging fires out west, or a combination of both.  It is terrible.

    I can tell my red blood cell count is up because I did not struggle breathing when I ran a mile this morning.  Lately I had been barely moving and I was breathing really hard.

     I do not know if my white blood cell count is also up.

19 July 2021

 

     I ballooned up to 199.6 pounds.  No wonder I feel so uncomfortable.  I believe I was in the low 180s  around Memorial Day, when I was struggling to eat solids due to the radiation therapy.

     I have not been this heavy in almost fifteen years.  I have sat in the high 160s and low 170s for the most part until I became sick.

     I need to stop acting as if every meal is my last.

     I did run another mile today.  The vision issues post run were not as bad, but I did develop another headache for the third day in a row.  This was by far the worst.

     The headache was far removed from the run, thus I do not believe they are tied together.  I just worry about the tumor in my sinus cavity hitting a point of here I can no longer do much.

     I was cleaning stuff up today and I found the missing sketch I used for the paint sample mosaic, plus tossed out a bunch of trash, and put a slew of medical information into a folder.  It needed to go all in one place.

18 July 2021

 

     I finished the Fernando Torres Mug-shot collage yesterday, and started working on designing my cubist self-portrait today.

     I have notes, a book breaking down cubism, and pictures, but this is not going to be easy.  Cubism, for a better way of putting it, is not a language I speak.  I am trying to layout my nose from various angles (self-portraits and a proxy), plus trying to facet it with planes.  But I am still modeling, a no-no in cubism.

    I am still getting the visual hallucinations when I run, but the fuzzy vision that I run into afterwards is taking longer and longer to clear up.  It is a real struggle.

     I have also had some good headaches the last couple of days.  I worry it is the tumorous mass in my sinus cavity, like in late December into January, and I am about to be pretty much incapacitated.  I really fear that.

    My brain is adjusting better to the mirtazapine and I have been sleeping better and have been more alert during the day.  Let us hope tomorrow is a good day.  I have early recreation, an HSU appointment, and the library.  The latter of which I am trying to get the motion done to get the parole commission to grant me a parole hearing under their procedure for parole under extraordinary circumstances.

15 July 2021

 

     I finished my self-portrait mosaic two days ago, sat in front of a mirror and did an iffy sketch, plus started the Fernando Torres Mug-shot.

     The mirtazapine has me sleepy and sleeping all of the time.  I am getting little done.  With that said I am more alert today. 

     I hope my body is adjusting to the drug and begins functioning on a more "normal" basis.  Although, this deep into the disease, I believe normal has gone the way of the dodo bird.

     I received the motion from FFUP and began cleaning it up.  I sent a copy to Terry Mueller to see what he thinks.  This is my last shot for release, but the decision likely will come out post mortem.

12 July 2021

 

     I occurred to me sometime this morning that the discontinuation of the dexamethasone, a steroid, likely is the reason my arm and shoulder flared up again.  I wrote our HSU suggesting they reissue the drug.

      I am sleeping, but the mirtazapine has it so I struggle not to sleep, all of the time.  Before I had to fight to sleep, now I need to fight to stay awake.

11 July 2021

 

     I did not take the mirtazapine last might because I was watching the Brewers'/Reds' game on TV last night.  I awoke at 1 am, but, feeling tired after reading for about an hour, I was able to fall back asleep until 5:30 am. 

     That is two quality nights of sleep in a row.

     Then, after going to recreation and walking and talking to David Tarlo, I came back and got a little over an hour nap in.  Then, just after dinner, took another hour nap.

     Napping had been something I had not been able to do.  I could lay down, but not fall asleep. 

    I still put some time in on my mosaic prior to watching the NBA Finals' Bucks versus Suns game.

     I am developing discomfort, numbness, and tingling,  along with increased weakness in the right arm again.  Another sign, with the growing mass in my abdomen, that the pirtobrutinib is not working.

10 July 2021

 

     I started a psychotropic, mirtazapine, last night to help me sleep.  I took it, ran five miles, then was waiting for count to clear so I could go shower.  Count was slow to clear, and I was extremely tired, so I sat on my bed to wait.  Next thing I know it was midnight.  My light, and radio were on, I was fully dressed, all my toiletries were on my bed. 

     We cannot use the shower at that time any more, so I cleared off the bed and slept until 5:28 am.  It has been awhile since I slept that long.  It feels good, but I really need to bathe. I feel gross.

8 July 2021

 

     I am so tired I am just struggling to function. 

     FFUP has an emergency injunction motion coming my way.

7 July 2021

 

     I slept the latest I slept in a long while, but I also went to bed later having watched the Bucks lose in game one of the NBA Finals.  The eyes were a little fuzzy last night, which could just be fatigue.  Yet they are again today.  I am still tired.

6 July 2021

 

     I finished up David Hockney yesterday and I am beginning Louise Nevelson: Art is Life, by Laurie Wilson.

    With me dying I will miss out on the blossoming of art history dedicated to women, who, while there, were ignored by previous generations.  I believe we will also start seeing historians bring to light minorities in the fine arts.

     We are starting to see it in the contemporary art magazines.  It will just have to sustain beyond the Black Lives Matter movement, and develop long lasting impact.  Something that is not guaranteed.

     My dad bought me the latest issue of Hi-Fructose magazine.  The art in this issue is very disappointing.  But I am sure others love it.

     It is nice to see the magazine after almost two years.  The last one I had probably dates from just before I became ill.

5 July 2021

 

     I still have fluid in my right ear.  I have a feeling this is more than just fluid in that ear and Dr. Labby should be passing this information to Dr. Pophali at UW.

     Sleep issues are still a problem, but I had a good day.  I worked on my paint sample collage.  Put together letters to my brother, plus Dr. Labby and our Health Services Unit manager, Angela Thompson.

     What will occur when I become very sick again is they will emergency transfer me to the Dodge Correctional Institution Infirmary.  This will follow, about a month later, with a permanent transfer action by the Reclassification Committee.  During that gap I will be locked in a cell with only a TV, while my art supplies, books, and everything else is held here at RGCI in boxes.

     I am trying to get them to do the RC action prior to my physical transfer, so when I transfer my stuff does too.  My artwork. books, and such are what brings comfort into my life.  To take that away in my dying days, I believe, is cruel.

     I believe I am developing the distended abdomen that was really a problem in the second half of 2019.  I have put on weight -- I see it in my face -- but I am pretty sure this is more than that.  The belly is really sticking out, and, despite not really going overboard eating lately, it continues to grow.

     I believe the disease is slightly more along than it was in 2019.  Then they gave me thirty to sixty days in late October.  Which may give me a  rough time frame.

3 July 2021

 

     Damien Hyde taught me how to make caramel today, which I used to make caramel corn.  I gave myself a second degree burn on my pinky.  Ouch!

     It was supposed to be for my weekly Svengoolie date, but with the Bucks playing I will be tuned to the radio.  I hope in next week it is the Bucks on television in the NBA Finals.  Sorry, Svengoolie.

2 July 2021

 

     Awake at 3am, which is better than most mornings.  I could call them mournings for sleep lost.  What a puny guy.

     I talked with Dr. Kydonieus, our resident psychologist about sleep exercises to allow me to get back asleep.  I have been using them, but not fully embracing them.  I am a terrible patient.  Ergo, it has not worked.  But I am making good notes on things I want to get done.

     I have been making slow progress on my paper mosaic.  I misplaced the source sketch and am ready to handle the neck, but need the sketch for value determination.  I have still yet park my rear end in front of my mirror to continue that self-portrait series. 

     Note to self: dominic. get to it.

     I ran a snail's pace five miles tonight.  I have nothing in me.

29 June 2021

 

     My running shoes came in today.  I made the hard decision to return them.  Sadly, I am dying, and what little is left of my old shoes will last me until then.

     I ordered them following the CAR T-therapy, prior to learning of it's failure.  I was so full of hope of seeing a healthy holiday season this year.  Now I know this tumor in my head is about to leave me incapacitated at any moment now.

     I had a sentence modification hearing in Walworth County in regards to my terminal illness and the underlying threat from COVID-19, in front of the Honorable Daniel S. Johnson. 

     I fully expected my motion to be dismissed off hand without much thought.  I misjudged Judge Johnson.  He researched my case, broke it down, and gave a fair argument for his decision.  I have tremendous respect for this man.

     Ultimately, he denied my motion, but I felt I had a fair hearing.  Something I never expected. 

     Obviously, I am disappointed in the decision, but I feel as though I regained back some respect for the judicial system I had lost from my years of court hearings, where I was dismissed without actually being heard, and the toxic political environment we live in.

     Thank you, Judge Daniel S. Johnson.

     I ran five miles tonight.  Still not moving very well, but the extra weight does not help either.  Had some pretty good rain coming down for awhile, then was able to run under a rainbow for a short while.  Life is still good.

28 June 2021

 

     I cleaned my cell by myself (Tony did bring and put away the cleaning supplies.) and am totally exhausted.  We shall see how the arm works as the day goes by.

     This is day three of it feeling as if water is lodged in my right ear.  I doubt it has anything to do with water, and more to do with the growing menace in my head.

     Really exhausted.  Wow.

     I ended up having a good day.  I spent a lot of time on my slow going paper mosaic.  I had planned on watching The People vs. Agent Orange on Independent Lens.  My kind of movie, but I was listening to a good baseball game, while making good progress on my artwork.  I am not giving that up for a good film.  I need to get this artwork done.  And I am thinking of possibly doing this in a four panel piece.

     Next has to be Fernando Torres' wrapper collage, and then breaking out of sweet smelling oil paint. 

     I was reading some notes, I took on cubism several years ago, in preparation of this cubist self-portrait.  I was able to get a tube of Naples yellow.  Still no yellow ochre or burnt umber.  I am ready to go.  I'll make it work.

27 June 2021

 

     I slept until 3:39 am, the latest in a while.  I stayed in bed until 4:30 am trying to get back to sleep, to no avail.  But looking out my window, it is still raining.

     We went through a stretch where it was so dry.  Then we picked up some light rain for a few days here in there.  Thursday we had a good thunderstorm.  We needed the rain.  Now we have had rain come down hard all day yesterday, and it is still going.  There is going to have to be some flooding.  Just lots of rain.

     This mornings earworm is New Gold Dream by Simple Minds.  There is that early new wave again.

     I ran 5K this evening, because I wanted to get in and listen to the Bucks and Hawks playoff basketball game. 

The swallows were out and I also saw one dragonfly.  If I stayed out later more may have come out.  Those are beautiful nights with them swirling around you while you run.  I figured it would be a good night with all the recent rain bumping up the insect population for swallow and dragonfly food, but there did not seem to be a lot of bugs.

     I pushed pretty good on the run for just short of the last mile.  That felt nice.  I developed the visual hallucinations again, but the dissipated prior to the end of the run. 

     The Bucks won, putting them up two games to one in the NBA Eastern Conference finals.  They have a chance to goto the NBA finals for the first time since 1974.

     For me that is exciting because 1974 predates me following sports.  My dad took me to my first baseball game in 1975, while the 1975-76 NBA season likely would have been my first basketball game.  I do recall it was the Bucks versus the Knicks, with Bob McAdoo. 

     I remember at the baseball game every time a run scored I would get excited and start yelling "home run.". My dad would try to explain the difference between a home run and a run, but I was such a headstrong kid I insisted I was right.

     I remember the same thing when he was teaching me to dribble a basketball.  I would dribble with my right, but use my left hand to control the ball at the same time.  He would tell me, "You cannot dribble with two hands Dominic."

     "Oh no dad, this is okay."

     What a hard headed kid.

     Those are special memories.

     I recall telling my mom about recollections I was having of  Christmases past, and she thought that must be depressing in prison.  I explained they made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

     They are wonderful memories.  Even if I was out of prison I could not go back there because they are the past.  What is sad is thinking about the things I missed out on doing.  Graduating college (I was right there), getting married, having kids, and growing old, which with the MCL, I now know would not have happened prison or not, with someone. 

     Those are the things that are sad.

     I was a senior, on the Dean's list, less than a year away from graduating, and already looking into jobs.  My friend Amy, who was a graduate student at Wisconsin, and I would sit there and discuss what direction we wanted to head into. 

     I had envisioned going into corporate sales, and was exploring that option.  But I was working in a sit down restaurant and I really enjoyed it.  I was talking to them about going into their management training program.  I remember Amy telling me if I really liked it, then do it.  Because for the life of me I could not understand who in their right mind would graduate college to work in a restaurant. 

     I gave that all away to make license plates, figuratively.

     With all that said I learned to be happy in prison.  The last twelve to fifteen years have been the happiest of my life.  This is not an easy life.  I wish this on no one.

     Even with death approaching fast I am still happier than most of the people I know, staff included.  And I am sure not looking for dying.  I feel like I am on chapter nine of a twelve chapter book, and those last three chapters have yet to be written.

     I was looking forward to reading them.

26 June 2021

 

     My left shoe blew out.  The leather just tore.  I still have my running shoes, but these cross trainers are toast.  I do not believe it makes sense to purchase a new pair.

     I primed my canvas for my cubist self-portrait.  Now I have to design one.  Talk about putting the cart before the horse.  I spent a lot of time on my paint chip mosaic self-portrait.

     I was up at 1:30 am today.  Crazy stuff.  I need sleep.

     I started the pirtobrutinib today.

     After missing Svengoolie last week to listen to the Bucks game, I am back: Time Walker.  Bad 80s movie.  I loved it.